Vulnerability

Written by Lauren Race, director of development

Vulnerability. It did not come easy for the first few decades of my life, but over the last 5 ½ years, life circumstances have taught me how being vulnerable can impact my life, be a blessing for others and ultimately, a way to experience God’s love for us and His strength. I have learned to be more vulnerable and to trust the Master Planner each step of the way.

Five years ago, circumstances with our middle son, Ethan, brought me to my knees, with eyes full of tears on a daily basis. I found myself begging God to “fix” a situation that seemingly had no answers, to put people in our lives that could answer our questions with clear and definitive answers, to give us answers that we would understand and that those around us would understand. I prayed for a diagnosis that would have resources or a community of others that would understand and help.

This was NOT the plan I had for my family. Or for me as a wife, mother, and friend. But as Jeremiah 10:23 says “Lord, I know that people’s lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps.”

It was in church in the fall of 2021 when our worship band played “Goodness of God,” and we sang,

“You have led me through the fire
In the darkest of the night you are close like no other.
Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me,
With my life laid down, I surrendered now,
I give You everything, oh Lord.”

In that moment, the Holy Spirit told me to be okay with being in the middle of this messy story and to stop asking about the ending. I started to seek Him in a different way. I started to take stock of what I had and build on that – not what I wish I had had. I began to embrace the brokenness AND the beauty of my life and my family’s life/situation.

I became more vulnerable and open about our story – praying and asking others to pray. I welcomed Jesus into my pain and instead of asking for him to take it away, asked him to make it clear what He wanted me to learn from this pain.

In Katherine Wolf’s Treasures in the Dark she shares, “Jesus often rerouted His journey to intentionally intersect with suffering people. That’s what His trip to earth was all about. The Gospels tell how people were healed because Jesus engaged in their pain, yes. But they were also healed because they allowed Him to engage in their pain. When God sends someone sprinting toward your pain, you better open your arms wide to receive them. There is no bravery in doing the hard stuff alone. We can bear our suffering when we are willing to share our suffering.”

When I started to allow people into our pain there was a relief. Three and half years after our hard season began, our son was diagnosed with a severe case of PANDAS (happy to share more – just ask). There was a brief moment of relief, but it wasn’t a “it’s fixed” let’s move on situation.

It was an answer that added more questions to our list, but I felt empowered to share his story and our journey. I became more confident in our situation – talking and sharing with people in a hope of bringing awareness. It required me to shed the idea of a “perfect” family and be open with the trials we face each day. The Lord has brought people into our lives that we have been able to support and who have supported us. And I am so grateful that our journeys have crossed. Vulnerability can be scary, but when we allow ourselves to become vulnerable, it uncovers the power, strength, love, grace and mercy of the living and active Jesus in our everyday lives.